i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
