she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What a dumb baby whore.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
