I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize