If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize