he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
