why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
