Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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