I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
