Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
