either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
