The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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