i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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