EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
