so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
