My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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