She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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