I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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