Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
