My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
