You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
