he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
