just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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