yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize