i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
