Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
