Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
