Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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