Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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