It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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