I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
