My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
