I feel great
I just peed on a car
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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