I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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