Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i've created a new STD.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
