I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
