We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
