saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
