your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My bed smells like the plague
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
