I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
