Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
