Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
