Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
