I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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