Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
