He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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