I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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