had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
