At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
