you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
