Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I am one with the molecules
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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