i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
