My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize