Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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