her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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