Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
