NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
