i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
