i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
