I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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