It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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