If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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