ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize